The Best and Most Perfect Gift Guide for Runners EVER

2 Dec

Hi friends!  Thanks for stopping by my corner of the internet to read about the best and most perfect gift guide for runners.  Ever.  Of all time.  I’m not entirely sure why on earth you need to read a blog to figure out what to buy for a friend or family member who also happens to be a runner (who is the intended target of these posts anyway?  Clueless boyfriend?  Weird Uncle Al?  Fifth cousin twice removed who is pretty sure that maybe you ran a race once?  Is this just supposed to be my Amazon wishlist in blog form?!), but apparently, if you have a blog that is loosely related to running and/or fitness, you MUST do one of these posts.



So without further ado …


  • Overpriced and Possibly Ugly Running/Yoga Pants from Brand XYZ
These stupid pants cost $118!!  What a deal!

These stupid pants cost $118!! What a deal!

The more expensive your clothes are, the faster you’ll run and the hotter you’ll look! Everyone knows that. And this pair of expensive running tights is the best of all the overpriced pants on the market. I know this for a fact, because I just got some for free from the lovely folks at Brand XYZ. They changed my life! I love them more than any other workout pants ever. Don’t go searching back in my blog archives too far though, because you’ll find other posts where I’ve sworn my undying love for Brand ABC. Then I’ll seem like a hypocrite. Or worse, a sell out! Where was I? Oh, right. BRAND XYZ RUNNING TIGHTS WILL MAKE YOUR FARTS SMELL LIKE MAGICAL UNICORN DUST AND ROSES.

  • Compression Socks from Some Company That Sponsors Me


Let’s be honest here, I hate running and I barely run more than 5 miles per week. I don’t really understand any of the science behind why compression helps with recovery but what I DO know is that these socks are so effing cute. And everyone likes to look cute while they run, amirite ladies?! The lovely folks at GenericCompressionSockCompany sent me these super cute holiday themed socks and they are also hooking you up with a DISCOUNT CODE!! Use code BLOWME for 20% off these stupidly expensive socks to make them slightly less stupidly expensive. And don’t ask me why runners can benefit from compression. Because I still do not know.

  • Protein Powder


You are not a real runner if you don’t add protein powder to everything you eat. That’s just a fact.

  • Extremely Expensive Muscle Stimulation (heh) Machine That Has Vaguely Science-y Sounding Benefits
I hope for his sake this is pre-stimulation.

I hope for his sake this is pre-stimulation.

To be clear, no one on this planet has any idea what this thing does. However, for the low low price of $400-800, you can give the runner in your life endless amusement as they try to tell anyone that they got a muscle stimulation machine for Christmas while keeping a straight face.

  • Special Snowflake Headphones for Girls

These headphones were made JUST FOR GIRLS. They cost a lot of money, and offer the same sound quality as the $4.99 pair in your local drugstore. BUT. The headphone earbud plasticky thingy dingy? Was shaped just for a woman’s special snowflake ears! What does that mean? Well, I have no earthly idea. I’m going to poke around in my boyfriend’s ear hole while he’s asleep tonight because I can only imagine the unexplored nature of the male inner ear is wondrous to behold.

A shirt that has a stupid sparkle slogan is just as good as an actual item that sparkles.

A shirt that has a stupid sparkle slogan is just as good as an actual item that sparkles.

Chicks dig sparkles. It’s science. Get ’em a headband or a skirt (or both!) – just as long as it’s obnoxious sparkly and maybe neon, too. We all know you’re out there running a race for good Instagram fodder; a nice sparkly skirt is a good way to make sure that nobody takes you or your athletic endeavors too seriously.

  • <the stupid book I wrote/merch with my blog name on it>

The best part of this list, duh. And the whole reason I wrote this post. BUY MY STUFF, GUYZ! I am super inspirational and any runner in your life would be so super psyched to own anything with my blog name on it.


So there you have it.  The best gift guide in the history of gift guides.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to take a dip in a blogger ice bath*.














*blogger ice bath (n): a tub full of money earned by endorsing products via one’s blog.

**this is where the disclaimer(s) should be because i received all of the aforementioned products for free.  i prefer to engage in ethically questionable blogging, however, so i’ve conveniently “forgotten” to remind you that yes, i got all of this stuff i am recommending to you for free.


7 Responses to “The Best and Most Perfect Gift Guide for Runners EVER”

  1. outside time (@itsoutsidetime) December 2, 2013 at 9:54 am #

    Haha I was in so cranky about this kind of thing the other day. In a guilty-pleasure way, I like hearing about people’s gear, but the blog-business social media circle jerk is just tooooo much.

    • upstaterunner December 2, 2013 at 7:43 pm #

      Yeah, I definitely penned this with “friendly jest” in mind because the concept of a gift guide – or even product reviews in general – isn’t what bothers me; it’s the blatant whoring out of a product without even bothering to mention that your opinion of it may be tainted. And the fact that it’s the same handful of products on everyone’s blog. I’m not always as cranky as I make myself out to be, I just like to be a jerk sometimes. 🙂

  2. HollieisFueledByLOLZ December 2, 2013 at 11:32 am #

    Darn it Heather! I was going to do a post like this but you win. BAHHA I nearly died laughing. Thank you.

    • upstaterunner December 2, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

      Great minds, Hollie. Great minds. You should do one too and add to it!

  3. afastpacedlife December 2, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    I’m dying! Love the snark.

    • upstaterunner December 2, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

      Haha, thanks. I figured someone needed to do it! 🙂

  4. Laura @losingrace December 4, 2013 at 3:17 pm #

    Please buy me all of these. Thanks. PS make sure its fucking lulu or we can’t be friends anymore.

    ohhhkayy, JKKKKK….is it this weekend yet!!! Weee!

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